I just experinced the most triggering thing ever which is weird because there is nothing that really triggers me. Ever. But I was shaving today and I cut myself, a lot. Not on purpose. It just happened becasue the razor was new and very sharp. i didn't think the cuts were that bad, just knicks. But I got out of the shower and they wouldn't stop bleeding. So i was sitting on the floor with blood dripping evrywhere, from all places off my legs all aroud my scars that were standing out becasue of the heat from the shower.

Tomorrow I'm hanging out with Jon. I think it's time to tell hime about my most recent cutting even though it happened a few weeks ago. The scars are still healing.

I have done really well in the last few days with not Si'ing. I have been hanging out with friends a lot and I've been so busy with midterms that I havent really taken the time to feel or think anything that makes me want to si so i haven't. I feel like my friends are the main reason I havent cut. even thought not alll of them know about it, and we don't really talk about it, they know when I am feelin like crap so they try to distract me by watching movies and going out.

i cut. stomach again. i sliced my finger open getting another blade. didnt have any bandaids and it wouldnt stop bleeding. thank god, if that hadn't happened i wouldn't have stoped. god knows how deep i would have cut

Pics of SI scars to show how far they have come in healing and the new cuts to remind me of how nasty they are

Havent Si'ed the last couple of days. but i wont let the cut on my stomach heal. I have always had this thing about not letting wounds heal even when I wasn't a self harmer. i just dont like scaps so i dont let them form so it will scar over. sometime this process hurts more than the actual SI. which is why i think i can go a few days without cutting. the pain from the healing cut is enough to get by on. it kills. im layin on my stomach right now and having it pressed up against the sheets hurts like fuck. Jon still doesnt know. we were making out and he was sooooooo close to touching it and i like flinched. Oops. I meant to tell him, but i didnt know how.I am feeling so anxious right now. I want it to stop.

i hope people are still reading this. I see i hbave some followers and i hope u all didnt follow me then i stopped writing so you stopped reading cuz that sucks but w/e....
today we had a snow day from school. I slept, all day seriously. it was awesome. I almost cut last night. but i didnt! WOW. i fought w/ my mom about something realy dumb at first but then she wasnt listening to how i felt about what ever she was doing and she totally blew off all my feelings and told me i was wrong, that she cant take me anymnore, blah blah blah. i tried to tell her that it really hurts me when she says things like that and she said i was over reacting and shes just like "go up to ur room and slam ur door and play ur music like you do everyday" in a really mocking way. but what she doesnt know is that when i go up to my room i am rlly cutting and that just pisses me off that she is so niave to what is going on and how hurtful she is without even seeing it. but i didnt cut by texting this number (which i am praying doesnt show on my phone bill and that it wasnt a number from canada so it costs a shit ton) that texts you back and helps you not to si. its like a help hotline but with txting. it was very coool. it's project toe. you can look it up on fb or call if u have the urge to cut: 3314424863

So you guys know I started self harming again. awesome. But I cant do this anymore. I was Si free for so long. I cnt lose this battle anymore. when i stopped last year and the summer I was in 8th grade I didnt try really hard to get better. i stopped, yes. But i wasnt healed. Now I want to heal, not just stop.
So I am going to be writing on this blog fucking religiously. Everuy detail, ever cut. So maybe I wont anymore. So bottle things up till it hurtd me. literally.
Today was very stressful. Lots of school work. gross. I was so frustrated today in history i took a bottle cap (metal) I had and twisted it on my wrist and made a small cut on the edge of my wrist. I got hoe and watched some videos on SI by idranktheseawater. SHe is freaking amazing, check her out. Her ideas for Si
distractions really helped. She is the only one who I felt I could tell my proplems. And she is the only one who offered her ear to listen. Which is sad because I dont know her beyond her youtube channel. I also took one of my russian dolls and but cuts and burns and such on it so I can hurt her instead of myself. But
my hope is that I will look at her and see so much pain that i wont want to hurt her. And then maybe I'll realize how much it hurts others. And how nobody deserves to hurt themselves or be hurt. watch idranktheseawater's video "ways not to cut" she explains it a lot better than that. I also started wearinga braclet MP gave
me along side the one my BF gave me as a reminder everytime i got to slit my wrists of the people I love. and wholove me. Tomorow i need to tell Jon I started cutting again so that her doesnt freak when he sees the cuts on my stomach.

I've started self harming again. Not as much, but it doesn't make the fact that I do any eaiser. The deep and the are nothing compared to what I use to do. But it's still not okay. My mom just makes me feel like shit, like everything I do is wrong, like I can't do anything right. And moving from house to house is getting way to much for me to handle. I've been doing it for almost 10 years and I am still not use to it and it still sucks. I don't want to go back to counseling because I don't thin it helped a lot, and it's bee so long! I don't want to be judged anymore and I don't want to have to admitt I have lost the battle against SI, again. For the third time. I can't tell my parents again because they can't seem to admitt that the proplem I have is not just a phase but an actual proplem and obviously a big one that isn't goiung away. They think Im still taking my meds, but Im not. I dont feel anything when I'm on it. It sucks. What do I do!? AGGGHHH