I'm back with my mom. I have been with my dad like the entire summer, and it's been great. Being with mom started out really well, we were getting along really well. It was great, I LOVE when we are on good terms with each other. Then something just totally went wrong with our almost brand new laptop, and then everything went bad. She thought I did something to it, but I didn't. When I told her that she thought I was lying and she got pissed. She was like ywlliing at me and then she started going off about all this other stuff like how I put things off and break everything. Then I started crying because, being hypersensitive, I can't handle people yelling at me. My mom does not know this and she just tells me to stop being dramatic and that I am way to sensative. I can't help it.
So after that I haven't really been talking to her, besides when we are arguing. We have started warming back up to one another, but still it could be better.
I have not beeb to counseling for over a onth and I haven't taken my meds in 2 days because I"m out. It is also that time of the month when I am naturally irritable.
I know I've been a bitch to her and I honestly can say that I am srry for that, but I just don't know how to tell her that. And I just wish she would also apoligize once in awhile too.

Whose bright idea was it anyway to hurt themselves to ease inner pain? It was seriously ironic, stupid, yet brilliant. Ironic because it's fighting pain with more pain. Stupid because it messes with your brain and your life. Brilliant because for some weird reason it actually dose make you feel better because of all the adrenalin and stuff.



It has been 17 days since I cut. But part of me is just dying (literally) to put the blade to my wrist. I have no idea why, because I have been feeling really good lately, besides missing Jp. It's just something I can't seem to (or want) to let go of. Because I feel like this, I just want to break down, cry, and cut.



I haven't been to therapy in almost three weeks and I am glad. I just want to leave all this crap behind me, but I can't let go. All my memories of self harm, depression, and suicidal thoughts are something I feel will be with me for the rest of my life. I don't want them to be. I don't want to be on meds and have to go to therapy the rest of my life. But I can't live without them, or that's how it feels anyway.

Nadia

This is the post that was in fragments from like a week ago...

The ice cube method has saved me from SI, I swear. My PT (psycho therapist) told me about it. It was something I actually like her for.

You just hold an ice cube in your hand until it melts. I had to do some breathing and positive affirmations (I am a worth person, blah, blah, blah) afterwards, but it got me through the worst of it. That ice is amazing. It sounds so fucking stupid. But it has helped me and I need to stop this shit.

I am at my family’s camp right now and my cousin is pissing me off. He went to my old private school and he is making fun of me of me for not talking in our dumb ass math class. And he didn’t remember my dads name because my parents are divorced. Now ever one is thinking I am making a big deal of it. I am very close to my papa and I hate when people disrespect him in front of me.

I have a heart tat and an ice cube, so I should be okay and btw, my family thinks I am writing a love letter. Like I have anyone to write a letter to. Maybe JP, but I couldn’t, I would start crying. I feel like he is dead, but I just haven’t seen him since school got out.

BTW, JP is my old theology teacher. He is 37, engaged, Mexican, and probably the nicest/ funniest guy I have ever meet. And I am in love with him. It is wrong, I know. But I am crushing, hard. We never had an affair, but we had very close, special student/teacher relationship. H e wad always there for me this year and we had some wonderful times. More later, people are getting mad at me for texting so much. God I miss him, I need to see him...


NadiaInLove @>--

Not much going on latley. I'm being more social like my counselor asked me to be. I haven't take my meds in a day, and I feel fine. I also haven't gone to counseling in two and a half weeks! But I'm still alive, and no i have not SI'd.
I'll write again when I have an insane rush of emotions and a need to write.

Nadia

Ps: Srry about the last like 11 posts. They were all suppose to be one but I was posting from my phone so it got messed up. Oh, and thanks for following! it makes me feel special :)

I'm at camp right now. I haven't cut. WOW, big step...
Not much to say. Haven't been around anyone one who could piss me off or make me want to SI. I feel isolated though.
I miss my bff Maya, who I haven't talked to since May.
I miss JP, my old theology teacher
More later...

Nadia