I want to SI so bad. I just fail at life, so what’s the point of dealing with it...I could deal with it better with SI. Screw all the positive shit my counselor forces on me. I don’t care where my depression came from, what matters is that it's here and wont go the fuck away. I just want to give up and lye down...I won’t kill my self, I'll never have the courage to do that, but I am just so tired of messing up everything. My life has been going pretty well since I transferred schools, but that doesn't mean I'll stop fucking up my life. It actually is going great. I love school again and I have friends and I haven’t been feeling as depressed as last year. But lately, life just seems like to much and I just feel so down and stressed.Today I failed miserable on numerous tests and said some things that shouldn't have and no matter how hard I try, I can never do as well as people expect me to…These complaints must seem so trivial and small compared to others, but I can not help but feel worthless and small.
And I can’t form good relationships with anyone, my parents or my friends. I have friends, but at times I feel like I am forcing myself on them rather then them wonting to hang out with me. I never get along with my mom and things haven't gotten much better. And I never feel good enough for my dad. My cousins and my sister think I am weird because I USE TO cut/ I am depressed and guys, well they don't even look at me. But who needs them? I already have a broken heart; I don't need them breaking it too. I've only had one boyfriend in my life, and he hurt me when he moved to Canada and said it was just a fling. I am jealous of all my friends who are in serious relationships and have people love them, like MP. He just got married. I miss him. I miss him so much because I just want someone to be there for me and to love me in that special way. Yesterday, while I was straightening my hair, I burned my arm as I turned around to say something to McAri. Ironically, the burn was on the same arm as my scars. . I swear it wasn't an attempted at SI, it actually made me really sad because it reminded me of all those times when it could have been self harm. I was also worried because I was afraid that people were going to think I was cutting again. So, I told my dad what happened so he wouldn't assume things and today he asked me what happened to my arm. I just about lost it cuz I am still extremely hyper sensitive especially when it comes to SI because I am trying so hard not to do that anymore.
I am just feeling so crappy right now and I feel like I have no one to turn to. Some of my friends know IUSE TO cut, but they don’t understand it because they’ve never gone through it.
That’s another thing that is really pissing me off right know: the fact that not all my friends and family know about my SI. So many people don’t even know what that is and it makes me really angry how inappropriate it is to talk about touchy issues. I just want to inform people about the real issues people deal with everyday without being judged and called emo…
Okay, that rant helped get all (well, most) of everything that has been hidden deep inside for way to long, and now I don’t think I’ll SI. This works so much better…
-Hope, Love, Faith <3 Nadezhda
Monday, October 26, 2009
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
