"I'm scared if I cry, the tears will not stop raining down." -SuperChick
I want to break under all this drama and depression. I am fighting, with my dad. This so new to me, that I just don't know what to do. It's all because I am in his choir and I had the courage (unlike anyone else) to bring up the fact that he plays favorites with some of his students. SO he gets all mad at me and totally denies that fact. He just gets so damn angry and stressed out that it makes me so upset and angry and stressed out too. It isn't fair. I don't know what else to do besides cry right now. When I fight with people it makes me feel so depressed and worthless. It's what my counselor calls my core belief. That is, how I really think about my self. Right now it's a negative core belief, which is that I am not good enough and that I am worthless. My core belief isn't always this negative (most of the time it is 'I'm okay') but fighting and things like that trigger those bad thoughts about myself and that triggers my SI. I'm suppose to say positive affirmations to myself when I am feeling like this, but sometimes (like now) they just make me feel worse because I can't believe they're true. SO now I should be thinking of evidence to back up those positive affirmations but all I really want to do is cry. But I can not bring myself to do that because once I start, I will not stop. That fact just makes me want to cry even more.

It's also times like these when I am feeling incredibly alone in the world. That's because I really don't know who to turn to for comfort. And that's because I can't seem to be able to stay in healthy, positive relationships WITH ANYONE! That fact makes me feel like shit. No, worse then shit. I just wish I had someone to talk to, someone I could lean on when I feel like I will fall. Or worse. I know I must sound selfish because there are people in the world with absolutely no one, but this is just how I feel and I can't seem to help it. If I could in another way besides SI, I would and I would gladly help anyone else. My doc things that I get so lonely because my birth mother left me alone in the world besides for the orphanage staff. Yes, I was only a baby when this happened and I don't remember it, but I know about it. And there are studies that show that your body can remember traumatic events that have happened to you as a baby even though your mind can't.

I really don't know what else to say or do. I just want to cry and feel better. Writing helps, but it doesn't get rid of the feelings that seem to haunt me...



Nezzie