Whose bright idea was it anyway to hurt themselves to ease inner pain? It was seriously ironic, stupid, yet brilliant. Ironic because it's fighting pain with more pain. Stupid because it messes with your brain and your life. Brilliant because for some weird reason it actually dose make you feel better because of all the adrenalin and stuff.
It has been 17 days since I cut. But part of me is just dying (literally) to put the blade to my wrist. I have no idea why, because I have been feeling really good lately, besides missing Jp. It's just something I can't seem to (or want) to let go of. Because I feel like this, I just want to break down, cry, and cut.
I haven't been to therapy in almost three weeks and I am glad. I just want to leave all this crap behind me, but I can't let go. All my memories of self harm, depression, and suicidal thoughts are something I feel will be with me for the rest of my life. I don't want them to be. I don't want to be on meds and have to go to therapy the rest of my life. But I can't live without them, or that's how it feels anyway.
Nadia
SI Awareness Day: March 1
About Me
- NadiaTheDepressed
- Who am I? I don't really know.I guess wenever really know untill the day we die. I am a depressed teen and self harmer. I want to change the world (some way or another). Theology and music fascinates me. I want to become a talented writer or a music teacher. I don't know (or want to know) everything, but I am learning and growing everyday. "Life isn't about findng yourself, it is about creating yourself."
It probably doesn't feel like it, but while the memories of SI, depression, and suicidal thoughts will never go away, the reality of them may.
ReplyDeleteThat's true. Even when you're finally "healthy" the thoughts come back and are a source of frustration, but eventually you don't let the urges control you.
ReplyDelete